Oh the Ships We Sail
by Myriad Dewdrop
Summary: A bunch of oneshots dedicated to a random selection of the HP ships I’ve heard of. That sentence right there should tell you all the warnings that fit with this story.
1. Chapter 1

Oh the Ships We Sail

Summary: A bunch of oneshots dedicated to a random selection of the HP ships I've heard of. That sentence right there should tell you all the warnings that fit with this story.

**A/N:** One day a friend of mine informed me that there were stories that shipped Harry and James, and I thought – well, oh – how does that work? And… well, of course I thought "ew", but that's beside the point. My curiosity astounds me so, because when I decided to do a story of all the really random ships (and some traditional) this was the first that came to mind. Some of these may extend from oneshots- as to that I have no idea as I have not written them yet – so yes! Onward!

**DISCLAIMER** – JKR owns Harry Potter characters and world of said characters, not I for I am not JKR whom owns Harry Potter characters and their world and is not I.

**WARNINGS for this chapter**: Implied Incest and Slash

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One bright morning Harry Potter stood, wrapped in an oversized bath towel, in front of a bathroom mirror in Grimmauld Place. He had relocated there after his weeklong stint at the Dursley's. The Weasleys, as well as Hermione, had moved in and the Order still met there regularly.

Harry looked into the glass and sighed contentedly. "I'd shag you. Damn, I'm hott." Harry breathed, gazing at his Quidditch toned muscles and wavy hair. Then he glanced up to where his scar was, and peered into his emerald eyes. He sighed, "I'd look better without the scar, and my eyes just clash horribly with everything – hazel would be much better of a color to have. Hazel eyes match with everything." Suddenly Harry's eyes lit up, and a plan began forming wildly within his mind. "I know!" he shouted, running from the room.

"Hermione! Hermione! Hermione – I need you!"

Hermione Granger, eating a bowl of crunch puffs, was surprised. She had been sitting at the table, reading the Prophet, when her best friend bounced into the room nearly naked and shouting her name. "What," she sputtered through a mouthful of cereal, "could you possibly need me for?"

"I need to know," panted Harry, watching Hermione as she began to fill out the crossword section, "where you keep your time turner!"

Before Hermione had comprehended the question she answered, "In my sock draw, inside the one stray purple sock."

"Thanks, 'Mione!" said Harry

"Your Wel – hey, wait – Harry! What do you want with a time turner?!" questioned Hermione, suddenly aware of the situation. But it was too late as Harry had already bounded away towards Hermione's room.


	2. Filch and Trelawny

Oh the Ships We Sail – Chapter 2 – Filch and Trelawny

**A/N**: Welcome to chapter two, there are no warnings for this chapter. R&R please!

**Disclaimer:** None o' this is mine – all JKR's, ya hear?

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Argus Filch, long time caretaker of Hogwarts, was a bitter and angry man. Of course, he had a reason to be, several, actually. No one in the school respected him, he was a Squib, and worst of all his lodgings in the castle were what amounted to a slightly larger than standard size broom cupboard. Filch was rather resentful of Dumbledore as he had offered more money and more days off to that twit Dobby than he had ever offered to Filch. His broom cupboard was damp and stingy and smelled like that of old rat droppings, hence why Filch was out and about catching students all the time. No one likes the smell of rat droppings.

Sybil Trelawny, also wandered the castle a lot, and was also rather resentful of Dumbledore. She was not a Squib, however after hearing what Firenze said about Divination she certainly felt like one. How dare Albus let that Pomp teach here! And insult the subject nonetheless! Such ridicule Trelawnly did not take lightly, and thus was the reason she wandered around the castle half drunk most of the time.

It was on of these drunken rampages that Trelawny discovered Filch coming out of his broom closet. She giggled drunkily, "You – hic – just came – hic – out of the – hic – closet! Ha ha hah ahaahaha ha ha."

Filch was not astounded by her obnoxious laughter as he had ran into her several times before. So many times, in fact that he was beginning to find it rather cute. "That," said Filch matter-of-factly, "is my room you're making fun of!"

Trelawny looked astounded, "Oh you poor dear! You know my living quarters are quite spacious if you'd like to bunk with me. I could always –hic- use the company."

It was Filch's turn to be astounded, but then he was filled with glee. No more rat droppings! No more dampness! He was moving up (quite literally) in the world! With a nod of his head he accepted and made his way to his broom closet to lug up his personal possessions. Carrying his toothbrush and comb he made his way up the stairs to where Trelawny was waiting for him at the foot of her tower.

"Where's your –hic- cat?" she asked, dazedly running her fingers through the remains of his hair. "Doesn't she enjoy following you places?"

"Mrs. Norris? Oh, she's off on her rounds. She'll know where to find me, though – always does. Do you have any tea? I'm quite parched."

And so Sybil and Argus made their way up to the living space and Filch sighed contentedly as he sniffed the air and found many rich aromas greeting his nose. Spices, perfumes, one might say it smelled like an intense candle shop, or an exotic temple. The students of course thought her classroom (which was adjacent to her rooms and held the same smell) smelled like a brothel, but they would never say that within her hearing range.

The tea that Sybil wound up making was a rather haphazard version of Earl Grey. More than once Filch had had to stop her from dumping sherry in the kettle. That sat for more than an hour just talking. They talked on topics such as how they both disliked Dumbledore, how neither of them liked Firenze (as Filch often had to clean up after him), that they both felt like failures in the Wizarding world, how Sybil had thought Fudge was a candy for the longest time and not the Minister of Magic, and all the juicy tidbits of gossip floating around the Hogwarts castle.

No one had ever suspected that Filch was a gossip hag, but that didn't stop him from being one. Rumors such as Lavender Brown's latest boyfriend being Blaise Zabini and one such that implied Professor McGonagal liked tap dancing all escaped his lips. They were returned by Trelawny's fervent gossip bits that Parvati Patil was a Death Eater, Draco Malfoy was afraid of pea soup, and that Dobby was in fact a werewolf.

Never had either found someone that they had so much in common with, it made them ecstatic. Even as the sherry wore off and Sybil sobered they were having a good time. All at once the good times came to a peak when Trelawny said, "I love you. Marry me!"

Filch was very shocked indeed. But giddy with glee, nonetheless, "I love you too! Of course I'll marry you!"

And so it was decided. A week later Filch and Trelawny were married. At the ceremony Lavender Brown was the head bridesmaid and Mrs. Norris was the Best…. Cat. It was a happy wedding, held at Hogwarts, with all the students watching in slightly sickened amazement. The cake was excellent.


	3. Albus and Minerva

Chapter 3 – Minerva and Albus 

**A/N:** First traditional pairing! YAY! Thanks very much to missradcliffe for reviewing! It totally made my day :D

And also, thanks go to Sorciere de feu who also reviewed – Happy day!

**Disclaimer**: JKR owns HP an' his crew, yo.

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So, pants, pants. Minerva was searching for pants. She knew they had to be in her closet somewhere, but as she needed them right at this moment she also knew that it would be no use trying to find them. And she absolutely would not help Professor Sprout in the green houses while wearing her teaching robes. They were black, wrinkle-less, and most certainly NOT for rolling around in the dirt with. Minerva sighed.

"Oh how I do wish Albus would figure out a less annoying way of telling me he wants me to meet him at his office, his stealing things has become quite the nuisance." Minerva muttered to herself, groaning as her knees cracked when she stood up, "I'm getting too old for this."

Perhaps some explanations are in order. You see, for the past week and a half Albus Dumbledore had been in a fervor dragging things out of Minerva's living space. Monday, he had taken her couch, Tuesday her rug, Wednesday her teapot, Thursday her toilet seat, Friday her earmuffs, and now finally Saturday he had went and stolen her pants. All the previous items had been returned once Minerva had gone to see him each day (the first of which she was in an outrage because she had thought some of the Slytherins had stolen her couch). And each time she had gone to see him he had made up some cockamamie reason for wanting to see her, which was odd because on the whole Albus Dumbledore was not one to jerk people around for no reason.

However, Albus Dumbledore was not jerking her around for no reason, he was jerking her around for a reason. One that is very sensible, if you are a thirteen-year-old girl. The reason was that for the past week Albus had been meaning to ask Minerva out on a date, but every time he had gotten her to meet with him he had lost his nerve and had to make up some loopy reason as to why he had wanted to see her.

But this time he would not lose his nerve, this time he was going to do it, he was going to ask Minerva McGonagal out on a date. Such was his mindset as he waited for her to appear, albeit butterflies were dancing in his stomach. This struck Dumbledore as very odd, as he had not eaten any butterflies at any point in the day, nor any point in his life for that matter.

At any rate, butterflies or not Albus would have to ask her today, as he had already reserved a table for them this evening at Madame Puddifoots.

Dumbledore was getting anxious, had Minerva even noticed her pants were missing? Should he go and steal something else? He paced around his office musing in this manner catching him quite unawares when the door burst open.

"ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!" shrieked Minerva for what seemed like the umpteenth time this week. "I have had it with your persistence in nabbing my stuff. Monday, I come here and you tell me that you stole my couch because you wanted me to see how blue the sky was through your skylight, Tuesday you tell me that I had to take a gander at the smashing rosebuds you had on your desk, Wednesday-"

But Dumbledore cut her off; it was now or never, "Minerva will you go out on a date with me tonight?"

Minerva was struck speechless, her mouth left hanging open until she shut it abruptly and nodded her agreement.

Dumbledore grinned, "I was hoping you'd agree, I already reserved a spot at Madame Puddifoot's for us about a week ago and I er…. My apologies, Minerva."

Minerva didn't know whether to smack him or giggle with absolute glee, so she chose an option in the middle of the road. "You self-assured old coot, you. I can't believe you reserved a table that early – and at Puddifoot's nonetheless! You know you could not have picked a more revoltingly sentimental place, don't you?"

Albus blushed, "Oh Minerva, if I had been assured that you would say yes, I would have asked you Monday – as planned – and not bother with stealing your things for the rest of the week. I must confess, Minerva, you do know how to strike fear into a poor old man's heart."

"Oh, Albus!" and Minerva embraced him, and they shared tears – both had loved one another for so long, but the feeling of fear had been mutual. But on that day they overcame the fear of rejection and closeness, they overcame everything that had stood in the way of their love.

So it was set, they would go to Madame Puddifoot's that night and get lost in the silly romantic flourishes that the place inspired. They arrived on time, both dressed in what would be considered semi-dressy robes. Albus took charge at once and ordered a soda for two and Minerva blushed and scolded him for his silliness. What would the students say if they saw their Professor and their Headmaster drinking from the same cup, their straws pushing their faces incredibly close? But to Albus it did not matter how many people lost their lunch at the sight of the two of them – tonight would be perfect.

To their surprise no one was there that they recognized, or so they thought – but one could never be sure. It wasn't a Hogsmeade weekend, after all – but several students had been known to disregard such facts. cough Harry Potter cough

"Albus?" asked Minerva, to which Dumbledore raised his brow slightly, "Why did you just cough 'Harry Potter'?"

"I believe my dear Minerva, that I did no such thing. cough Draco Malfoy cough " replied Dumbledore, furtively glancing at one of the tables near them which was slightly off the ground. Minerva's eyes shot to the said location and her lips thinned in fury. She was about to call out their names but Dumbledore silenced her with a finger. "Now, now, Minerva – let them enjoy their date, we've already forced them to hide underneath a table – no need spoiling it any further."

Minerva's eyebrows disappeared from her head for a brief moment, and Dumbledore looked up, presumably trying to find them on the ceiling.

"Oy! Where're not on a date!" shouted Harry in a fury – knocking over the table, and revealing a rather sick looking Malfoy.

"For once Potter is correct." sneered Malfoy, straightening up proudly, "We were discussing secret business!"

"And what secret business would that be Mr. Malfoy, why there was so much gum under that particular table? Detention for you both – tomorrow." Quipped Minerva, inwardly smiling at the boys' disappointed looks. "Now off to Hogwarts, both of you!"

As they receded from the now righted table Albus and Minerva could hear Malfoy mumbling, "Nice one Potter, can't control your anger worth a dollop, can you?"

And Potter's reply, "Stuff it, Malfoy. You're the one who wanted to meet here and have a tea party."

A snort was all that one could hear from Mr. Malfoy, and after that they had exited the shop. "Kids these days, can't even hide under a table correctly." huffed Dumbledore, winking comically at Minerva.

It was then that their dinners arrived, or rather – the soda and fish and chips that Dumbledore had ordered earlier arrived, and they began to chow down. They talked of witty things all throughout the meal, and by the end of the night were so bedazzled with one another that they decided not to go back to Hogwarts, but instead spend until sunrise stargazing on Madame Puddifoot's roof. One could just make out Gemini in the sky.

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**A/N**: Mwahahahahahahaaaaa! Why were Harry and Draco underneath the table – prolly not what you're thinking-? Stay tuned to find out (in a later chapter). Smile!


	4. Mystery Solved

**Chapter 4** Hermione and Snape

**Disclaimer**: JK Rowling has infinitely more patience than I do, so she in fact did wrote the series and owns these characters.

**A/N: missradcliffe,** I believe the answer which you seek lies in chapter one's author note – glad you're enjoying it though!

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Harry Potter was sitting in the library, waiting for his friend Hermione who was rather late. Such a thing, however, had been happening more and more as of late. As Harry tried to busy himself with one of the more interesting looking Quidditch books, he heard from behind one of the bookshelves a "Pssst. Potter! Over here!" It was just loud enough for Harry to detect it, but not for Madam Pince. He looked over, and to his surprise it was Draco Malfoy that was calling his name. Harry stood and walked over to the pureblood and inquired,

"What is it, Malfoy?" his brows furrowed in quite the annoyed way.

"I need your help," stated Malfoy, and Harry hooted in disbelief. "Now, this is serious Potter, I really do."

"For what?" Harry was beginning to feel ill at ease. Draco sighed, he knew convincing Potter was going to be hard, so he supposed that he better go for the gusto.

"Do you know where your friend Granger is right now? Or for that matter where she's been all week when you two had something planned?"

"What did you do to her?!" Harry managed to whisper in a threatening and angry tone.

"Nothing, Potter, you think after she punched me in the nose I'd try something like that again? No thanks. Anyway… she's with Professor Snape."

Harry did not get what Malfoy was implying, so he replied with, "Yeah, so what?"

"Yeah, so what?" said Malfoy indignantly, earning a stern look from Madam Pince, "She's shacking up with my godfather and you don't care?" Harry's face blanched.

"Oh, that kind of 'with'." Malfoy rolled his eyes. "Well, I thought you meant she was in trouble or something. Anyway, how exactly does this concern me?"

Malfoy sighed and leaned against the bookcase, it was a beautiful day and light was streaming down form the giant cathedral like windows in the library. "It concerns you because I doubt you want your friend dating my godfather, and it concerns me because I don't want that mudblood dating my godfather!" Harry looked ready to interrupt with outrage, but Malfoy silenced him by continuing on, "So, I found out through a friend of mine that they're meeting tonight, in disguise at Madam Puddifoots. You should join me there and together we'll catch them, and tell them that they're both better off without each other, all right?"

"If I do this, you know Hermione will hate me," growled Harry fiercely.

"And you think my godfather's going to love me? Come on Potter, think of the children those two would have!" Draco exclaimed, earning another disapproving glance from Madam Pince, who was fortunately distracted by a first year with a flying book before she could come over and tell the two boys to leave.

Harry's face went slightly green, little Snapegrangers wasn't exactly the prettiest picture one could imagine, "All right, Malfoy, you have yourself a deal."

"Good, Potter, eight o'clock tonight meet me by the school gates. Oh, here comes your friend now, you better get going or she might suspect something." And as Malfoy lurked back into the shadows Harry exited them, approaching Hermione with a slightly forced smile. They took their usual table.

"You're late again," Harry observed, and Hermione smiled at him sheepishly. "Too busy shagging old Ron in the hallway to keep up appearances with old Harry, eh?" he wanted to be absolutely sure that Malfoy was telling the truth, as he did not want another repeat of the Wizard's Duel incident.

Hermione blushed scarlet, but then said coolly, "No, Ronald saw it fit to dump me; that is why he is in the hospital wing." Harry was stunned, for when he had visited Ron he had thought a blast-ended screwt had gone on a rampage.

"Really? When I asked him he didn't say a word to me about it. Just sort of mumbled embarrassed like." Replied Harry.

"Yes, well I got my just desserts – thanks to him I've had a week's detention with Snape."

"Is that what they're calling it these days?" said Harry before he could stop himself.

This time Hermione really blushed scarlet, leaving no doubts in Harry's mind that Malfoy was correct, "Re –really Harry, what's gotten into you?"

"Aw, sorry Herm, I guess I'm still a bit peeved that you keep nearly ditching me." Harry replied, trying to swallow the lump in his throat, which was begging him to vomit all over the library.

Hermione, however, became calmer after he had said this, it was jealousy, that was all, she breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh Harry, I'm really sorry, it's just that I've had to do these detentions with Professor Snape and well – it can't be helped."

"Well, that's all right then. So what are you doing tonight? Want to join me a Seamus in a game of Exploding Snap?"

"As much as I'd love to Harry, I already have plans for tonight… er … me and some of the girls are going to give each other makeovers. I hope that's all right?"

"Yes, yes," there was no doubting it now. "Well have fun being girly, we can play snap another time." Replied Harry feeling sicker by the minute.

"Well, I have to go now, Harry - see you around!" said Hermione brightly, picking up her bags and leaving the library.

Draco Malfoy slowly slinked out from the bookcases and sat down across from Harry. "That was a nice piece of detective works you did there, must've scared the nifflers out of her."

Harry inclined his head towards him, "You didn't really expect me to trust you flat out, did you? But I believe you now anyways."

"Of course you do, Potter. Remember, eight o'clock – tonight." And Malfoy left the library, leaving Harry once more to read his Quidditch books in silence.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

Later that day Harry found himself sneaking down from the castle, and going to partner up with his archrival. When he arrived at the gates Harry was surprised to see Malfoy holding a potions vial and two mugs.

"It's a polyjuice potion," said Malfoy, noticing Harry's questioning gaze.

"But Malfoy, those take at least a month to brew, how come?" and Harry trailed off, "Wait, how long has this been going on?"

"No, no, Potter, don't be stupid, I originally yanked this hair out of Parvati's head for a joke I was going to play, this however takes precedence over any joke." He then poured them equal amounts from the vial and bid Harry to drink up. As soon as they had transformed they heard footsteps approaching and had to hide in a nearby bush.

It turned out to be two people neither of them had ever seen before. This, however, did not mean that they had not met them before, as it soon became quite clear who they really were.

"Severus! Stop stepping on my robes! It is rather bothersome!" said the woman, her straight blonde hair shimmering in the moonlight.

"How many times do I have to tell you … _Ginger_, we cannot go out in public unless you call me Raoul." Hissed the man, obviously concerned about their identities being found out.

"Well fine then, _Raoul_ stop stepping on my robes!"

"As you wish." And with a huff they departed through the gates, leaving Harry and Draco to wait five minutes before following. However, five minutes was a bit too long in waiting as yet another couple was winding their way towards the gates. This time the two were unmistakable, they were Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagal. It was lucky for the boys that the two seemed to be lost in each other's eyes, and thus they failed to notice the two 'girls' crouched in the bush.

Finally, after ten minutes of waiting, the pair proceeded through the gates and apparated to Madame Puddifoots. They figured this was the quickest way to beat the loving pair, as they were sure Hermione would insist on having a romantic stroll. They went in and situated themselves in the restroom until they were sure Snape and Hermione arrived (as they wanted to get a table that would be close to them). When they came out, about ten minutes later they saw the pair quietly discussing life over in a corner table.

HPHPHPHPHP

When Severus and Hermione arrived they situated themselves at a corner table as to not be overly disturbed. About a minute after they got there Severus spotted the Patil girls coming out of the bathroom, which was odd since this was not a Hogsmeade weekend. Had Severus not transfigured himself and his date to make them unknown he would have stood up and scolded them right there on the spot, but as it was he just had to ignore them and enjoy his date. Which wasn't a very hard thing to do. Hermione was a sharp woman, gifted with a lot of brains, a lot of heart, and a taste for maturity. It came as no surprise to him then, when Ronald told her that he was having an affair with Lavender, and that he did not wish to date her anymore she hexed him badly. Severus had seen the entire thing, and having had similar relationship problems in the past (involving one Lily and one James ) he took pity on the girl. He gave her detentions, so as not to vex Mr. Weasley more than he already was, but planned to use them more as therapy sessions. To get Granger to talk about her problems, instead of punishing her for justified rage. After a couple of these sessions Hermione had confessed to him that she wanted a mature man, with intellect and that that was not something that Ronald possessed, however, she said that he did. Snape had been reluctant at first, but soon found himself rather comfortable in her company.

"Raoul, you're doing it again," huffed Hermione, her arms crossed over her chest.

Severus raised his eyebrow, "What am I doing again, dear?"

She smiled and unfolded her napkin, laying it neatly on her lap. "You're daydreaming, I can always tell when you are. You get this cute, sort of lofty look in your eyes." She laughed as his other eyebrow flew up to join his first one.

"Cute, and lofty… my dear Ginger, you are doing an impeccable job of keeping us unrecognizable." Snape muttered in a low tone, "Oh no, Albus and Minerva are here." It was true; Dumbledore and Minerva had just picked a table that was not too far from the Patils'. The two, however, seemed of no threat to Snape and Hermione, as they were both staring lovingly into each other's eyes. The two even failed to miss the Patils who had given each other markedly uneasy looks at the couple's entrance.

"Well, this is turning out to be a lovely evening on the town." Hermione fumed, clearly irritated that things weren't going as well as planned.

"Hmm, well we could go somewhere, ah – _quieter_. If you would prefer that, that is." Snape's eyes gleamed mysteriously, a seductive smirk making its way across his face.

"What I would prefer," replied Hermione haughtily, not wanting their 'date outside the dungeons' to end, "would be that our waitress gets her but over here soon. I am rather famished." Snape's face dropped a bit, but the challenge of keeping their date secret from the Headmaster was ever pleasant bait, so he stayed and became slightly more amorous.

"Oh yes, I too would love some service. You certainly picked a, ah-" he eyed the badly cast resin cupid sculpture as he spoke, "rather classy place." Hermione's eyes followed Severus's gaze, and when she saw the slightly deformed Cupid she giggled a bit. He smiled, they gazed into one another's eyes, and all was well. Yet all too quick it was over as the waitress had suddenly appeared at the table.

"What would you two like tonight?" she smiled, gazing at the adorable couple in front of her (if she only knew).

Snape gestured towards Hermione, "Ladies first." Hermione smiled, and the waitress positively beamed.

"I think," replied Hermione, the lover's connection still not broken, "that I would like a quiet walk in the moonlight. Sorry to trouble you." The waitress looked slightly crestfallen, but Severus seemed to very much agree with her. The two rose, and Severus wrapped his arm around Hermione, bringing her close. They left through the door with a twinkle of a bell, and a breeze from the outside.

HPHPHP

Meanwhile Harry and Draco had become so engrossed in conversation that they had forgotten to keep an eye on Hermione and Severus; they had started talking about Quidditch, and had unsurprisingly got into an argument.

"No way Potter, I know you and Weasley are friends, but that doesn't mean you have to like his crappy team! The Canon's haven't won in ages!" Draco sneered, as a twinkle of a bell sounded and a slight breeze ruffled his loose tendrils.

"Well, that's because they're cursed!" replied Harry, feeling remarkably Hermione-ish.

"They're cursed," balked Draco, "and you still root for them? What just incase they defy all odds? Potter…. since when did Parvati have a scar?"

"Since the same time she had blonde hair and was sitting five feet away from the Headmaster of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. Oh hell, Snape and Hermione have gone as well, what are we going to do?" replied Harry, his sense of foreboding increasing.

"Quick Potter, under the table, now!" and Draco pulled him under as the last of their transformations were complete and Dumbledore turned his head.

After this there followed a short scuffle in which the table rose a few feet (they had gotten the idea that if they walked the table over to the door and escaped that way, Dumbledore wouldn't notice), Dumbledore muttered to Minerva about the pair being on a date, and the whole thing was lost when Potter rose to the bait. After a few words were exchanged both boys high tailed it out the door.

Once they reached the safety of the village Draco sighed, "Great, now where do you think they've gone?" Harry contemplated for a moment and then spotted a witch and a wizard whose backs were turned to them in a nearby alley. He pointed at them and Draco motioned that they should sneak up on them and then threaten them with exposure.

As they crept towards the couple they could indeed see that the two were passionate about one another, the woman was clutching the man's hair with such fervor that Harry feared he might go bald. The man, however seemed to not mind this and so he pulled her closer, backing her thin body up against the brick wall.

HPHPHP

Hermione and Severus exited the shop, thoroughly enthralled by each other's presence. It was on this night that they decided to stop by a remarkably un-crowded ice cream stand, just a couple feet away from Madam Puddifoots. As Hermione licked at her vanilla chocolate twist she scowled, and Severus turned to see what she was looking at.

It was a witch and wizard that had so caught Hermione's attention, they were groping each other in a semi-secluded alleyway just diagonal from them. "How tasteless." Hermione remarked, "How's your teaberry, any good?"

Severus blinked, took his eyes off the rather disgruntling scene, and licked his ice cream. "Yes, actually, it's quite good. Very wintergreen, not mild or weak. Would you like to swap for a second?" The two continued to share and switch their cones for a while, until another disgruntling sight distracted Hermione. "What are they doing now?" Severus asked, not turning around to look.

"No, it's not them – they're still going at it. It's just that – hang on! That's Harry and Malfoy!" Hermione practically squealed this, and Severus whipped around to check for himself.

It was true; the two boys seemed to be sneaking up on the people in the alleyway. "What on Earth?" questioned Snape, narrowing his eyes loathingly at Potter, who moments later shouted,

"Get you hands off of Hermione!"

"Oh shit, we should split," muttered Severus, not even glancing at the real Hermione, who had turned to pay for their delights. The two were gone in a moment, apparating together at the Hogwarts gates.

HPHPHP

"Get your hands off Hermione!" Harry screamed, and the couple jumped. Draco gasped, and Harry backed away in horror. It was not Hermione, or Snape that had turned to greet them. In fact it was no one that they even knew. _'Oh shit,' _Harry thought, _'I should say something.' _So he put his hands up as to signal that everything was all right and said, "This has just been a test, to see how aware of your surroundings you are." He glanced at Draco for help, who piped in with,

"Oh yes, now that the Dark Lord is back it is crucial that you all…" and here he faltered, but Harry picked up the rest of the sentence with,

"…wear condoms. Thank you very much kind lady and sir. We will leave you in peace now." And the two scooted off, leaving a very stunned pair of village residents.

"It is crucial," drawled Draco, with a very Snape-like sneer on his face, "that you all wear condoms? Potter, you do realize that if they saw your scar there's going to be one hell of a newspaper headline tomorrow?"

Harry blushed, "Shut up, Malfoy. Come on, let's get back to the castle, I doubt we'll find them now that we've gone and shouted about it."

Malfoy snorted as if to say 'you shouted', but didn't actually say anything. The two would have to devise another way of breaking up Snape and Hermione, but for now the unlikely couple was safe. Harry and Draco thus headed back to the castle, exhausted.

HPHPHP

A short walk and a few passwords later Hermione and Snape were situated quite comfortably in his quarters. The two cuddled on the soft, green couch, each claiming a mug of steaming hot chocolate to warm their bones from the ice cream. "Severus?" questioned the adorable witch in his lap, "Do you love me?" Snape's throat tightened a bit at this. It had been a long time since he had loved anyone. But did he love her? She was nearly eighteen due to her time turner exposure, but somehow she seemed so much older. He felt he fit with her. This, he acknowledged, didn't happen very often with him and other people.

He nodded, "Yes, I think… I really do." And he kissed her, tenderly and softly. The two would remain curled around each other as they fell asleep, and each would dream of the other.

**A/N**: Longest update ever, I think. Hope you enjoyed it; I was in quite the humorous mood by the end! Please Review, and my many thanks to those who already have!

: D


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